Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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