I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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