Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
