You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
