The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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