I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
