you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
