Michael Bay diarrhea
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
