who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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