A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
