You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
