My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
