closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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