On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
