I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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