Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
