Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
