if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The best revenge is premature balding
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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