sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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