I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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