I was born with a shot glass in my hand
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
