at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
