dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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