Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
