My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
