i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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