last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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