Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
