it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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