I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
