So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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