this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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