apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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