I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
