I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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