Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
