i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
