I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
