I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
