you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
