the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
