Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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