his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
