Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
