Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
