I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
