I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
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you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
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How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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