i think my tv is drunk
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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