Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
