nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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