if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
