i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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