I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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