you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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