did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You took a bar mat shot.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
