she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
