I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize