Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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